Guitarists
2003-03-04 by liberatusvirus
I couldn't resist. This is from Drumzilla's forum. It's about the enemy: What do you throw to a drowning guitar player? His amp. What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes. What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise..." --------------------------------- A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "But I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze guitar player." ------------------------- A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. "Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?" asks the guy. The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK' He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says, "Well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with. "Things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says, "Look, I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?" The young man says, "Well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band. I live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. She's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. This place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare." ----------------------------------------- Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A1. None -they just steal somebody else's light. A2. He holds it and the world revolves around him. A3. Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. A4. Don't worry about the changes, I'll improvise! Q. Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune? A.Neither did I. Q. How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison? A. Shoot One. Q. What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO? A. You can negotiate with the PLO. Q. How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch? A. Pay for the pizza. Q. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a guitarist's car? A. Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. Q. What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage? A. The garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Q. What's the difference between an electric guitar and a chain saw? A. The grip. Q. How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune? A. Evidently all of them Q. What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? A. He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. Q. In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source? A. Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were. Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. A. Both suck when you plug them in. Q. Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune? A. Neither have I. Q. Did you hear about the two guys walking down the street? A. One was destitute. The other was a guitarist as well. Q. What's the difference between an extra large pizza and a guitarist? A. None. They both can't feed a family of four. Q. What does a guitar player and a sperm have in common? A. Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q. Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps? A. Because people could not tell which side to spit on. Q. Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q. How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Little Johnny says to his mother, "When I grow up, I want to be a great guitarist". His mother said, "Johnny, pick one. You know you can't do both".