-----Original Message-----
From: Neil Bradley [mailto:nb@...]
Sent: Thursday, September 09, 2004 8:44 PM
Cc: motm@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Re: [motm] Re: Mike's rig. :-)
> It's a chick-magnet. SOmething keyboard geeks simply do not
> understand...
>
> :)
Hehehe.... Well, I've experienced some of those "chicks" first hand and
I
wouldn't want any of them, lest I pick up a venereal disease. That
brings
up an interesting post someone made to Analog Heaven a few years back.
Stolen without permission. Original author unknown by me, but it sums up
guitars and guitarists pretty well. ;)
---------
Look! Far be it for me to diss a lowly guitarist or dance on rock 'n'
roll's
grave. It wouldn't be fitting and as they say. If you can't say
something
nice, don't say anything at all. But fuck it. Lets.
Look! I have nothing against guitars. They make great firewood. I've
even
got use to the sound of 10,000 cats being scraped along a gravel road at
100
miles per hour. It's taken 30 years but I'm use to it now. I'm even use
to
conversations about how big Jimmy Hendrix's phallus was.
Present company excluded of course But! What is it with guitarists? I
mean,
are their dicks still not big enough? Having realized the penis
enlargement
treatment didn't work, they take to the guitar instead. When you learn
to
play a guitar do they also teach you to have deep seated psychological
problems as well. What's going on here? What's the secret. What are they
not
telling us. It's like something out of the X-Files. Guitarists remind me
of
the musical equivalent of the gun lobby. You know why they call them
"Guitars". Because at one time, only a real Git would play one. Only
they
didn't know how to spell 'Git'. And the only reason anyone ever bothered
to
work out how to play one in the first place is because they couldn't
afford
a real instrument.
In interviews, guitarists say things like. "Well baab. I took up the
guitar
to get the chicks. It's that simple. I was feelin' a bit sexually
inadequate
one day so I thought I'd better hide my small weeny behind a large
guitar."
(Mind you, if that's the case it makes me wonder about those guys who
spin
turntables. :-)) And what's with those guys with twin necked guitars. On
second thoughts I don't wanna know.
I mean it's easy to understand where your average synth head is coming
from.
"Knobs!" Lots of Knobs. The more knobs the better. That's it. All in the
wrist action.
So yur at rehearsals right. The guitarist is the one that demands
absolute
silence whilst he spends half an hour tuning the stupid piece of wood
and
then cranks it out full blast going "plank plunk plonk" as loud as he
can
get it whilst everyone else is trying to tune up. "It's alright fellas,
my
guitar's in tune. Nothing else matters." Or he gets a little board
whilst
being told what the next chord sequence is and starts "Wocka Wocka" on
the
Wah Wah. "What was that harry? I think it was an E. No it was G. Yea G.
-G-
for... Get that motherfukker to shut the fuck up." Or the band's in the
middle of negotiating a tricky piece of 7/8 timing and suddenly the
guitarist starts playing Stairway to heaven because he's reached the
limit
of his attention span. Kind of reverts back to his reptilian brain.
Finally the whole band does actually tell the prat to shut the fukk up
and
he spends the rest of the night sulking in the corner. Plotting revenge
on
the rest of the band during the next gig. "Lets see. I could accidently
forget how to play that song we've been playing for the last 3 years".
Then,
after the gig, has the audacity to pull you aside and give you a
lecture on
professionalism.
And then there's the ex girlfriends. "Why can't we start playing? We're
already an hour late?" "That's because the guitarist's ex girlfriend has
threatened to commit suicide if he dumps her." It's not that he's
irresistible to women or anything it's just that she's pregnant and
want's a
father for the kid. Along with two other women he was seeing about the
same
time. Which is the reason he keeps turning up for gigs wearing a Groucho
Marx, glasses, nose and moustache disguise. Just in case they happen to
be
in the audience. Or worse still. In case their red necked farther with
the
shot gun's in the audience. Guitarists don't use condoms because it's
all
too technical for them. And you thought drummers were dumb! "But I
thought
you were spose to stretch it over a carrot? That's what they taught us
in
sex education class. What good's that spoze to do anyway?" The Women
usually
wake up to it though, when the gutiarist says something like. "You want
me
to put it where?" Three weeks later the guitarist is going. "Look I
don't
care if she gets pregnant, I gotta take it off so I can have a piss."
Or what about the guitarist who demands the band do old George
Thoroughgood
covers. Three keyboard players in the band and he want's to play thrash.
B-B-B-Bad to the bone? I don't think so. Smells like teen spirit. Sounds
like a dead fish. And having been supported and paid for by various
members
of the band over the years, now threatens to punch 'em out if he don't
get
his way.
Guitarist's mathematics... 1 guitar + 3 keyboard players + 1 drummer. Oh
must be a guitar band then. Duerr. One guitarist and a 70 piece
orchestra.
Oh must be a guitar band then. 14 apples + 3 bananas and a pear. Oh must
be
a fukking guitar band then.
And the biggest event in a guitarists's life. When he buys new strings.
Or
more usually, when he suckers another member of the band to buy them for
him. "I can't practice unless I get new strings man!" After that,
Anything
that goes wrong. "Oh that's coz I put new strings on my guitar". The
guitar's out of tune. "It's these new strings man." He comes in at the
wrong
time. "Must be these new strings man." The audience starts pelting
bottles
and glasses at the stage when he starts playing his usual crappy lead
break.
"Sorry man it's just these new strings." He's late to a gig. "Sorry man
I
got held up because of these new strings". And they expect you to feel
sorry
for them because they have to tune these mechanical nightmares.
And then there's the mutual admiration society after the gig. The
guitarist's mate comes up to him and they stand there trying to look
cool.
You're trying to pack up and get out o' there as fast as possible and
the
guitarist is standing round tryin to get milage out his new hair style.
His
mate get's mildly excited and says something like. "Whatta ya think of
that
new Lenny Kravitz song?" "O'yea I can do that. I could do that when I
was
15." So his mate changes his pitch and follows up with "Yea so could I".
It's like something out of Absolutely Fabulous. And then the
conversation
turns to technical matters. "Oh you've got a new floydrose. I had one of
them but I didn't like it. That's why I don't have one. Otherwise wise I
would ya know." And one trys to convince the other that the paint job on
their solid body Gibson SG really does improve the sound. "It's all in
the
27 layers of lacquer." But you know the conversation's going down hill
when
they start discussing which is the best coke bottle to use.
Then there's the lead guitarist with the three marshal stacks. He's only
been playing for 3 months but they give him the job of lead guitar.
Partly
because of his Marshals but mostly because he couldn't keep time enough
to
play rhythm. "I don't believe in FX man. They colour the sound. I've
just
got three marshal stacks running through power soaks. I get real
distortion.
not like you guys who get an artificial sound." Yea so how come the
rhythm
guitarist who's just coming out of a mesa boogie is twice as loud as
you?
"Oh it's because of these new strings man. They're not very loud."
Ah but you know I jest thoughout this diatribe. Well mostly I jest
anyway.
Well hardly at all really when you think about it. It's all true.
Although
the above could not be attributed to any single guitarist, I've had to
put
up with this shit all my life and only from fuckking guitarists. And
after
30 years of waiting for this time. A time when there's lots of decent
music
around, none of which is guitar based. When there's no long a stigma
attached to playing or liking electronic music. A time when guitars are
no
longer the dominant force in the music industry. A time when other
musical
instruments are just as cool if not cooler than the guitar. A time when
fucking rock 'n' roll wank guitar music isn't been blasted at me like
some
medieval torture. A time when I can actually turn on the radio and
chances
are I might hear something I like. Or at least not hear thrash and grind
for
a change. And above all, A time when I'm not being persecuted for
playing an
electronic musical instrument and not a guitar. And after enduring all
that
from guitarists, you want me to go easy on them. Maybe even have some
sympathy for 'em and their fall from grace. I don't jolly well, flippin'
well, bloody well fucking well think so!
Rock 'n' roll is dead. And thank fuck for that.
Truth be known I only ducked in here to get away from a bunch of
socially
inept guitarists and now you're telling me they're invading AH as well.
x0x
heads I can handle but Guitarists... Please. Gimme a break.
----------------
-->Neil
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------
Neil Bradley "Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W.
missile!"
Synthcom Systems, Inc. - Santabot - Futurama
ICQ #29402898
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